Did it ever cross your mind why a lot of narcissists play the little lamp pretending their partner is the evil wolf even though they’re the ones who are causing all the humiliation and devaluation? And plenty of them even dare to accuse their partner of being the real narcissist even when they’re not. Many people reported to their therapist that during a fight their narcissist partner attempt to take over by lying and mischaracterizing what is really going on. These abusive partners forget all of the hurtful things they said and did when arguing and instead focus on the one mean thing that their abused partner said.
The relation between shame and narcissistic behavior
One way to understand this narcissistic personality disorder is to know that all their actions come from one place called shame avoidance. Narcissists make up a fake character to show other people they’re perfect and always right because they want to avoid feeling shame about their flaws. That’s why narcissists deflect the blame for their atrocious behavior onto their partners. They NEED to see themselves always right.
Narcissists all-good or all-bad theory
Narcissists impersonate this character because they lack so called “whole object relations”. Whole object relations is a technical term indicating the ability to mold an unified, adequately stable, and more-or-less realistic image of themselves and others containing both bad and good traits. People diagnosed with personality disorder lack whole object relations and only sort people as good or bad.
Most of us develop whole object relations at a young age, when parents always treat their children in a positive way and still show them love even when they make mistakes. If the parents don’t have this trait, they’ll swing between showing love and hatred to their children. That’s what keeps the children from creating a stable picture about themselves. They may spend their whole childhood trying to know and to define who they really are, perfect or flawed.
If we take a closer look to a narcissist’s world, we will see that they consider you special or perfect if you’re always good to them and worthless or stupid if you’re not. Narcissist will treat you as special if you are all-good and as nothing if you are all-bad.
This way of extreme splitting can lead narcissist to a place where admitting to any mistake or error threatens losing their self-image as all-good and always right. So the only way they protect themselves from feeling completely worthless is by denying their flaws and deflecting the blame for mistakes they’ve made. There is no compromising point where they accept the flaws they have and the mistakes they’ve made without considering themselves as all-bad.
Once they fail to avoid seeing their defects or being uncovered as imperfect to public, they fall into a self-hating, shame-based depression and may even start developing suicidal thoughts.
Are narcissists victimized by their own parents?
Every Child need to feel loved, valued, safe and taken care of by their parents. When any of these needs become unsatisfied, many children tend to use splitting as coping mechanism in maintaining the sense that not both parents are bad. One parent is labeled as the good one and the other parent becomes the bad one. When the good parent acts badly, the child try to explain it away as this parent’s behavior is a reaction to being the bad parent victim.
Victimization can also be applied on siblings. One child may be labeled as the golden child who can do nothing wrong, while another child becomes the scapegoated one. When the golden child abuse the scapegoated child, his behavior is explained away as protecting himself from being a victim to his abusive sibling.
If you’re being victimized by a narcissist in your life claiming to be the real victim even after abusing you, it is mostly because as a child they learned to feel that making any mistake reflect them as imperfect and discredits any previous successes they have had in their life. This distorted image causes them to do their best to hide the fact that they are the abuser. They’ll distort the truth until they can find any fact, even if it is small, that they believe rationalize seeing you as the wolf and them as the innocent little lamp.